was cycling home in the late sunset and thinking about goodbyes
the sky was clear, the air crisp, the sun's last rays hitting buildings at the perfect angle
and i thought, my days doing this cycle are numbered
traditionally i have songs that i associate with different important epochs in my life;
fight song (cover by benjamin kheng) for the period between jc and uni
hall of fame (the script) for floorball, and i suppose by extension jc (because floorball was the best thing that i took away from jc, tbh)
begin again (cover by megan nicole and alex groot) for something i'm still not sure if it is a regret i have about jc but nonetheless am sure it was a learning experience
we are golden (mika) the sense of invulnerability as we started jc
it's time (imagine dragons) graduating from secondary school and thinking 'wow we've grown but we are still teenagers' and ok tbh being a teenager in general
sleep (copeland) literally the toughest time i had in secondary school
raise your glass/teenage dream mashup (random person mixing glee songs on youtube) recovering from that terrible episode
so perhaps now would be a good time to think about what soundtracks have accompanied me in these wonderful last three years of my life
it's kinda hard to think of a song for a three-year epoch that a) describes it + b) came out during the period + c) i played endlessly
so i started with a shortlist and will just kinda.. work it through as i type
- believer (imagine dragons)
- this is me (the greatest showman ost)
- castle on the hill (ed sheeran)
- a place we set afire (yellowcard)
- something just like this (coldplay)
leaning against believer and this is me partly 'cause they were only released recently so it's not like they've been following me for the majority of my undergrad degree
they are rly Inspiring though and p much embody struggle
and, well. doesn't everyone struggle, at some point or other.
castle on the hill is maybe something more of a 'return to singapore' song
at least, that's what i've associated it with ever since i first heard it
i always wonder what life will be like when i'm back to living in singapore properly (going home for vacations don't rly count because i'm kinda just visiting and living out of my suitcase?)
vacations and internships are transient and temporary, but when i move back -- permanent job with long-term outcomes, living in a place where i don't get to pack up and escape after a few weeks
there are things that don't quite fit anymore -- little habits and attitudes
but -- am i the only one who changed while everyone else stayed the same?
i don't think it's that simple
anyway, it'll be good to go back to the people -- singapore -- who raised me
checking the lyrics for a place we set afire again sounds a lil' bit like a midlife crisis, nostalgia notwithstanding
which leaves... something just like this?
gotta admit i'm not sure how to describe my undergrad life except as 'something just like this'
simultaneously surreal and mundane at the same time
sometimes i sit in the beautiful bod library like it's my everyday life
then i look outside and i think 'holy shit when i was 15 (7 freaking years ago) i was standing outside looking at the signs that said 'please keep your volume down / this is a working library' and listening to the tour guide for our school group tell us 'you can only apply to one out of the 30+ colleges and they're very selective' and i was thinking 'lolerz wtf kinda system is that nus makes so much more sense'
three years here and sometimes i still wonder how i ended up here because it seems like a fairytale
yet life here has also been wonderfully chill, giving me room to explore and grow comfortable with myself -- in a way, not at all like one would envision a fairytale life to be like. going on weekly aunty-grocery-shopping trips at tesco and cooking with college mates seems awfully mundane for a fairytale.
wouldn't trade this for the world and i'm so thankful that my parents have supported my journey here
also kind of fits with how i came here and realised.... i don't need straight A's. have learned to settle, and learned that settling is not always a bad thing
so perhaps that is really the most encompassing song for Henghwee's Undergrad 2015-2018
also s/o to harbour (vienna teng) for the sense of distance as i grow up, grow out
not the winning song, but have it anyway because it's the only song that hasn't been embedded on this blog yet
also because i am starting the Next Epoch Of My Life soon (wtf working life help)
LOOK OUT CAUSE HERE I COME, I'M MARCHIN' ON TO THE BEAT I DRUM
cause i've diligently been figuring my identity all this time -- i make no apologies, this is me!!!!
// edit:
thought i would leave 'invictus' here
Out of the night that covers me,this was the unseen poem for my a levels literature paper; i recall all the lit teachers breathing a sigh of relief because they used such a typical!! and famous!! example of victorian poetry for the paper rather than smth subversive
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find me, unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
right now i have absolutely no idea how i managed to write a whole essay on that, but that's not the point right now
more like -- in a way, this is one of the grades that got me into oxf, and this poem is meaningful to me because (like everything else i like, tbh) it talks about finding your own strength to overcome adversity
// edit 2:
also... i reverted to draft everything before the age of 14 because that was Baby Henghwee.
i probably will stop reverting to draft after this though
because i felt my Path To Adulthood started at age 15
(and it's good to have a little history right before Growing Up)
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